American consumerism and my closet

I have an admission to make today.

I've been caught up in American consumerism, specifically when it comes to my closet.  I seem to always have my eye on more.  Another summer dress.  Another color of shorts, etc. It preoccupies me and I know it's wrong.

My closet is full of stuff yet I continually feel like I "have nothing to wear."

This summer I hope to minimize.

I want to purge the excess stuff

• The stuff that fit pre-kids
• The stuff that isn't flattering
• The stuff that I don't wear often
• The stuff I don't need

My hope is to get my closet down to a few good quality basics that I can wear consistently and keep it that way, starving my urge for more and happily using what I have.

When I purchase new things, I want to focus on quality pieces that will be staples for years to come instead of trendy things that I will only wear for one season.

My ultimate goal is to think less and less about what I wear and more and more about Jesus.  I am not there yet but I am working on it.

I hope to post some before and after photos to keep myself accountable.

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Matthew 6:25

Goals for my break

(view from my backyard a few days ago)

This year spring is bringing something new for me.

A break.

I've been teaching/writing Bible studies now for over a year without taking any time off and I am feeling the strain. I haven't blogged in months.  I spend most days just trying to keep up with the pace of life.

My goals for the spring/summer include:

• personal Bible study (with no agenda)
• morning walks 
• warm baths at the end of the day
• prayer
• tending my garden/adding some more plants
• finish memorizing Philippians 3
• reading alone and with the kids
• taking the kids to the pool
• focusing on exercise and nutrition
• rocking on the porch with a glass of tea and at least one friend
• outdoor cooking
• lots of laughing
• homemade ice cream
• getting to know neighbors on a deeper level
• blogging regularly
• playing games
• evening walks with the whole family

What do you do to relax?

Holiness Hospital

JI Packer is one of my favorite authors because he makes me think.  

His book "Knowing God" totally undid me, in the best way possible.  Since then I've sought out his other books.

Packer is a heavy author, he does not pen "easy reads."  I usually read a few pages a day and chew through what I am convicted of and then pray about it and return the next day.  It takes me a while to get through it all.

Recently I started, "Rediscovering Holiness." In this morning's reading, Packer likened life with God as life in a hospital.  I was hooked by this reference.  

Life on earth for each Christian is like life in God's hospital.

God is the perfect physician.  He know exactly what we need each and every second.  He never makes mistakes, He does everything in perfect love, rehabilitating each of us through surgery/procedures, medication, rest and work.  

As we cooperate with God's treatment plan, He sanctifies us.  

Each plan is unique for the patient.

Each plan is lifelong. None of us are able to handle life outside this hospital in this life.  

Each plan demands submission.

Each plan requires change.

Each plan makes us healthier, stronger, more whole.

What plan does He have you on?  Do you trust that He knows better than you what you need?  Will you submit to His plan?  

Some raw honesty about the performance treadmill

(photo taken from Women around Town website)

I've been on the performance treadmill for as long as I can remember.  It started when I was very young.  

As a child, it was quickly brought to my attention that my skin was dark and that I did not have a dad. I was one of the only brown skinned girls in my school.  I had lots of friends but I always felt like I had to work harder to prove to myself and others that I was a "good girl."  I worked and I worked.  I tried to be loyal, honest, pretty, hard working, etc. because I did not want anyone to stereotype me.  

Condolezza Rice once commented on growing up black in the South and said, "the best armor against everything around you was to be well educated, to work hard, to be twice as good as if you had to be, to do their languages and their culture better, meaning the white man. And so, we had our French lessons, and we had our ballet lessons. And we were just encouraged to have high expectations and high ambitions, even in a place that could have had a stultifying effect on those ambitions."

I believed this and adopted it as the motto for my life. This philosophy of hard work was ground into me further in college.  I found that the harder I worked, the more I was rewarded.  So I worked and worked and eventually graduated from law school.  

The world was telling me I was doing everything right.  

Sorority life
Marriage (to an amazing guy)
Law school
Children
Junior League, Childhood League
Country Clubs
Home decor
Fashion...

NOTHING SATISFIED ME. I WAS EMPTY, BROKEN AND BORED.

Even after I accepted Jesus as Lord I found myself compartmentalizing Him as I tried to push myself through each hoop. 

Bible study
Christian friends
Prayer Circle
Women's groups at church
Teaching women's groups

I was miserable. None of the "Christian" things worked any differently because I applied my "old way" to them.  I quickly found myself on the treadmill working harder and harder and harder, wanting to make God happy (I clearly had little understanding of what God really wanted from me), wanting to be accepted by the people at church and not wanting to embarrass myself or my family.  But after a while, I hit a wall.   I felt like a huge failure. I tried medication. I tried fitness.  I tried therapy. Nothing worked until...
  

I surrendered to The LORD.

My surrender has been tough work, not instantaneous. It's a daily choice to "reprogram" my mind. For 8 years God has worked on it with me. I've taken 2 steps forward and 1 step back many many times...until now.  I feel like I've finally taken a huge step forward and I refuse to go back. I refuse to get back on the treadmill.

My only responsibility is to Him.  

I do not need to worry about my house, beauty, clothing, education, reputation, popularity or ministry future. All I have to do is live for Him (instructions for that are found in the Bible) and let everything else work itself out. If I love who He puts in front of me each day, that is enough.

He is all I need.

God wants to free me and you.

So, if you're feeling burdened by the weight of performance, I want to encourage you.  God loves you so much.  You don't have to work for His love.  Just accept Him and make Him your center. His opinion is the only one that matters.

He is all you need.

Under the weather

We have had quite the winter here in Iowa.  I read somewhere that this is the coldest winter in 100 years.  It's been snowy, icy and freezing cold.  The kids have been out of school more than ever.

This morning, I woke up feeling "under the weather" and soon my daughter arrived in my bathroom, also under the weather.  As I prayed on the bathroom floor for God to come and help, I felt this sweet surrender.

Whenever I am sick, I feel like I have much greater opportunities to pray and seek God.  In the silence of my room, I am totally vulnerable. I thank Him for health, for family, for energy, for food, for everything.   I beg for His help,

And I feel him pruning me.

He nudges me to stop trying so hard.
He brings to light things I need to give up and leave behind.
He shows me where I am wrong and need to apologize.
He gives me ideas of where He wants me next.

And He gently forgives as I ask.

The whole process is uncomfortable.  I usually come away with some open wounds.

But in time, He heals each one of them.

I am thankful for the winter seasons in life, when I feel vulnerable to His pruning.  And I am thankful He takes the time to sanctify me.

He wants my all

Beautiful sunrise view off the back porch

This fall brought on a season of spiritual dryness for me.

Typically I love doing my Bible Study Fellowship homework throughout the week.  This fall it was a chore.  Typically I love reading the Bible and searching for truth to apply to my life.  This fall it was a chore.  Typically I enjoy time in prayer... you see the theme.

THIS FALL IT WAS A CHORE.

In desperation, I finally poured myself before the Lord and felt renewed when He gently reminded me that He wants my ALL.  He wants my whole life:  my nutrition, my exercise, my phone calls, my emails, my instagram, my twitter, my hospitality, my gardening, my fashion, my dealings with family, my vacations, etc.

I had been compartmentalizing Him.  Sure, I believed, as Creator, He had all power and authority over the earth but I wasn't living it out.  I was trying to do many things on my own rather than leaning into Him.

He wants my entire life. When I give him everything, the Holy Spirit flames brightly in my life, allowing me to show God's character to others.  When I leave Him out of the day to day, I become like my "old self" and the Holy Spirit dims.

"But I say, walk by the Spirit and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh."  Galatians 5:16

You see, I had been spending money, spending time, spending energy on things without seeking Him.  I was just trying to "get through" but I left Him out and instead of submitting, I just "tried harder."  All of it left me exhausted.

And so I FINALLY submitted it back to Him.

First, I spent time apologizing and then asking Him to help me turn away from whatever He wanted me to turn from.  It was clear pretty quickly that I needed to turn away from certain things as these things started coming to mind in rapid succession.

Second, I humbly begged him to not let me forget who I was before I followed Him.  Before I submitted my life to Christ, I was a gossip, an easily angered person, materialistic, power seeking, selfish, envious, jealous, attention seeking, award seeking.  Yuck, yuck, yuck.  That's embarrassing to admit but true.  I did not show all of this filth to everyone as I tried to cover it up a lot of the time but underneath the polished exterior I was a HOT MESS.

Over the past 6 months, I had nearly forgotten what I used to be.  It's so important that I constantly remember because it keeps me in humble gratitude to God for rescuing me from myself, it keeps me from thinking that I am a "good person"without God and it keeps me from judging others.

Finally, I told Him, how desperately I wanted to please Him, to give Him everything.  And I admitted I needed Him because I knew I could not do it on my own.

As I prayed, I felt a peace I can not explain except to say I felt totally connected to Him and filled with joy and contentment.  Thank you, God!  There is nothing like the peace God gives when we humbly submit to Him.

I am a work in process.  God is sanctifying me.  While this process painful at times, I am so thankful He finds me worth "working on."

"For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it." Hebrews 12:11

If you are in a season of spiritual dryness, I hope this brings you hope and encouragement that the Lord loves you and He is waiting for you to return to Him.  He will never leave you.

This old hymn was part of my prayer so I thought I would share it with you.  

My Goal is God - by Frances Brook

My goal is God Himself, not joy nor peace

Nor even blessing but Himself, My God.

Tis His to lead me there not mine but His

At any cost, dear Lord, by any road.

So faith bounds forward to it's goal in God.

And love can trust her Lord to lead her there.

Upheld by Him, my soul is following hard

Till God has full fulfilled my deepest prayer

No matter if the way be sometimes dark

No matter though the cost be oft times great

He knows how I best shall reach the mark

The way that leads to Him must need be straight

One thing I know, I cannot say Him nay;

One thing I do I press towards my Lord;

My God, my flory here, from day to day

And in the flory there my great reward. 

Come to Me

"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls." 

Matthew 11:28-29

These sweet words of Jesus have been playing in my mind over the past week.  Many Christmases, I am full of happiness, delight and energy.  I love to decorate, cook, sing, host events, shop, hang out with friends and go, go, go. 

This year is different.  This year I feel weary.  All around me people suffer as they lose loved ones, struggle with deep depression, encounter spiritually lost relatives, fight cancer and more.

This + my busy schedule = one emotionally weary woman.  

A few days ago as I studied Matthew 11:28, I noticed something new.  I had always read this passage thinking Jesus was talking about non-believers coming to Him, believing in Him and finding rest through salvation.  While I still believe that is true, I think there is more to it.

It says "come to Me ALL..." Jesus is asking "all who are weary" to come to Him, no matter who we are, Christian or non-Christian. And it does not say "this is a one-time event."

So, what does it mean to come to Him?   It means to talk to Him and give Him our lives.  It's not fancy, it's not complicated but for me, it's something I need to do on a daily basis.  Oh I believe in Jesus and have for years but every day my human will tempts me to "do life my way."

Then in verse 29, He says "take My yoke upon you and learn from Me."  According to Websters Dictionary, a yoke is "a frame that is attached to the heads or necks of two work animals so that they can pull a plow or heavy load."

Jesus is asking us to allow Him to custom make a yoke so we don't have to plow alone.  Jesus will be in the harness next to us, helping us, which makes the burden less.  He won't force His way on us, we must come to Him and sit under His way.

Notice this yoke is custom made. My yoke won't work for you and I should not try to put mine on you.  You will have your own.  

Once we are plowing together, verse 29 says we learn from Him.  We learn as we study His Word, the Bible.  We learn as we pray, as we wait for answered prayer.  We learn as we make mistakes and ask for forgiveness.

He teaches us more and more the longer we endure our heavy load together.

Verse 29 goes on to say "I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls."  

Ahh rest.

That is what I am looking for this Christmas season.  Christ has given me the answer.

All I have to do is put myself in His care with His rules and His love and He promises me rest.

So, instead of pulling the comforter over my head this morning,  I got on my knees and went to the Lord. Yes please, dear Jesus, I want rest.