(photo taken from Women around Town website)
I've been on the performance treadmill for as long as I can remember. It started when I was very young.
As a child, it was quickly brought to my attention that my skin was dark and that I did not have a dad. I was one of the only brown skinned girls in my school. I had lots of friends but I always felt like I had to work harder to prove to myself and others that I was a "good girl." I worked and I worked. I tried to be loyal, honest, pretty, hard working, etc. because I did not want anyone to stereotype me.
Condolezza Rice once commented on growing up black in the South and said, "the best armor against everything around you was to be well educated, to work hard, to be twice as good as if you had to be, to do their languages and their culture better, meaning the white man. And so, we had our French lessons, and we had our ballet lessons. And we were just encouraged to have high expectations and high ambitions, even in a place that could have had a stultifying effect on those ambitions."
I believed this and adopted it as the motto for my life. This philosophy of hard work was ground into me further in college. I found that the harder I worked, the more I was rewarded. So I worked and worked and eventually graduated from law school.
The world was telling me I was doing everything right.
Sorority life
Marriage (to an amazing guy)
Law school
Children
Junior League, Childhood League
Country Clubs
Home decor
Fashion...
NOTHING SATISFIED ME. I WAS EMPTY, BROKEN AND BORED.
Even after I accepted Jesus as Lord I found myself compartmentalizing Him as I tried to push myself through each hoop.
Bible study
Christian friends
Prayer Circle
Women's groups at church
Teaching women's groups
I was miserable. None of the "Christian" things worked any differently because I applied my "old way" to them. I quickly found myself on the treadmill working harder and harder and harder, wanting to make God happy (I clearly had little understanding of what God really wanted from me), wanting to be accepted by the people at church and not wanting to embarrass myself or my family. But after a while, I hit a wall. I felt like a huge failure. I tried medication. I tried fitness. I tried therapy. Nothing worked until...
I surrendered to The LORD.
My surrender has been tough work, not instantaneous. It's a daily choice to "reprogram" my mind. For 8 years God has worked on it with me. I've taken 2 steps forward and 1 step back many many times...until now. I feel like I've finally taken a huge step forward and I refuse to go back. I refuse to get back on the treadmill.
My only responsibility is to Him.
I do not need to worry about my house, beauty, clothing, education, reputation, popularity or ministry future. All I have to do is live for Him (instructions for that are found in the Bible) and let everything else work itself out. If I love who He puts in front of me each day, that is enough.
He is all I need.
God wants to free me and you.
So, if you're feeling burdened by the weight of performance, I want to encourage you. God loves you so much. You don't have to work for His love. Just accept Him and make Him your center. His opinion is the only one that matters.
He is all you need.
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