American consumerism and my closet

I have an admission to make today.

I've been caught up in American consumerism, specifically when it comes to my closet.  I seem to always have my eye on more.  Another summer dress.  Another color of shorts, etc. It preoccupies me and I know it's wrong.

My closet is full of stuff yet I continually feel like I "have nothing to wear."

This summer I hope to minimize.

I want to purge the excess stuff

• The stuff that fit pre-kids
• The stuff that isn't flattering
• The stuff that I don't wear often
• The stuff I don't need

My hope is to get my closet down to a few good quality basics that I can wear consistently and keep it that way, starving my urge for more and happily using what I have.

When I purchase new things, I want to focus on quality pieces that will be staples for years to come instead of trendy things that I will only wear for one season.

My ultimate goal is to think less and less about what I wear and more and more about Jesus.  I am not there yet but I am working on it.

I hope to post some before and after photos to keep myself accountable.

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Matthew 6:25

Goals for my break

(view from my backyard a few days ago)

This year spring is bringing something new for me.

A break.

I've been teaching/writing Bible studies now for over a year without taking any time off and I am feeling the strain. I haven't blogged in months.  I spend most days just trying to keep up with the pace of life.

My goals for the spring/summer include:

• personal Bible study (with no agenda)
• morning walks 
• warm baths at the end of the day
• prayer
• tending my garden/adding some more plants
• finish memorizing Philippians 3
• reading alone and with the kids
• taking the kids to the pool
• focusing on exercise and nutrition
• rocking on the porch with a glass of tea and at least one friend
• outdoor cooking
• lots of laughing
• homemade ice cream
• getting to know neighbors on a deeper level
• blogging regularly
• playing games
• evening walks with the whole family

What do you do to relax?

Holiness Hospital

JI Packer is one of my favorite authors because he makes me think.  

His book "Knowing God" totally undid me, in the best way possible.  Since then I've sought out his other books.

Packer is a heavy author, he does not pen "easy reads."  I usually read a few pages a day and chew through what I am convicted of and then pray about it and return the next day.  It takes me a while to get through it all.

Recently I started, "Rediscovering Holiness." In this morning's reading, Packer likened life with God as life in a hospital.  I was hooked by this reference.  

Life on earth for each Christian is like life in God's hospital.

God is the perfect physician.  He know exactly what we need each and every second.  He never makes mistakes, He does everything in perfect love, rehabilitating each of us through surgery/procedures, medication, rest and work.  

As we cooperate with God's treatment plan, He sanctifies us.  

Each plan is unique for the patient.

Each plan is lifelong. None of us are able to handle life outside this hospital in this life.  

Each plan demands submission.

Each plan requires change.

Each plan makes us healthier, stronger, more whole.

What plan does He have you on?  Do you trust that He knows better than you what you need?  Will you submit to His plan?  

Some raw honesty about the performance treadmill

(photo taken from Women around Town website)

I've been on the performance treadmill for as long as I can remember.  It started when I was very young.  

As a child, it was quickly brought to my attention that my skin was dark and that I did not have a dad. I was one of the only brown skinned girls in my school.  I had lots of friends but I always felt like I had to work harder to prove to myself and others that I was a "good girl."  I worked and I worked.  I tried to be loyal, honest, pretty, hard working, etc. because I did not want anyone to stereotype me.  

Condolezza Rice once commented on growing up black in the South and said, "the best armor against everything around you was to be well educated, to work hard, to be twice as good as if you had to be, to do their languages and their culture better, meaning the white man. And so, we had our French lessons, and we had our ballet lessons. And we were just encouraged to have high expectations and high ambitions, even in a place that could have had a stultifying effect on those ambitions."

I believed this and adopted it as the motto for my life. This philosophy of hard work was ground into me further in college.  I found that the harder I worked, the more I was rewarded.  So I worked and worked and eventually graduated from law school.  

The world was telling me I was doing everything right.  

Sorority life
Marriage (to an amazing guy)
Law school
Children
Junior League, Childhood League
Country Clubs
Home decor
Fashion...

NOTHING SATISFIED ME. I WAS EMPTY, BROKEN AND BORED.

Even after I accepted Jesus as Lord I found myself compartmentalizing Him as I tried to push myself through each hoop. 

Bible study
Christian friends
Prayer Circle
Women's groups at church
Teaching women's groups

I was miserable. None of the "Christian" things worked any differently because I applied my "old way" to them.  I quickly found myself on the treadmill working harder and harder and harder, wanting to make God happy (I clearly had little understanding of what God really wanted from me), wanting to be accepted by the people at church and not wanting to embarrass myself or my family.  But after a while, I hit a wall.   I felt like a huge failure. I tried medication. I tried fitness.  I tried therapy. Nothing worked until...
  

I surrendered to The LORD.

My surrender has been tough work, not instantaneous. It's a daily choice to "reprogram" my mind. For 8 years God has worked on it with me. I've taken 2 steps forward and 1 step back many many times...until now.  I feel like I've finally taken a huge step forward and I refuse to go back. I refuse to get back on the treadmill.

My only responsibility is to Him.  

I do not need to worry about my house, beauty, clothing, education, reputation, popularity or ministry future. All I have to do is live for Him (instructions for that are found in the Bible) and let everything else work itself out. If I love who He puts in front of me each day, that is enough.

He is all I need.

God wants to free me and you.

So, if you're feeling burdened by the weight of performance, I want to encourage you.  God loves you so much.  You don't have to work for His love.  Just accept Him and make Him your center. His opinion is the only one that matters.

He is all you need.

Under the weather

We have had quite the winter here in Iowa.  I read somewhere that this is the coldest winter in 100 years.  It's been snowy, icy and freezing cold.  The kids have been out of school more than ever.

This morning, I woke up feeling "under the weather" and soon my daughter arrived in my bathroom, also under the weather.  As I prayed on the bathroom floor for God to come and help, I felt this sweet surrender.

Whenever I am sick, I feel like I have much greater opportunities to pray and seek God.  In the silence of my room, I am totally vulnerable. I thank Him for health, for family, for energy, for food, for everything.   I beg for His help,

And I feel him pruning me.

He nudges me to stop trying so hard.
He brings to light things I need to give up and leave behind.
He shows me where I am wrong and need to apologize.
He gives me ideas of where He wants me next.

And He gently forgives as I ask.

The whole process is uncomfortable.  I usually come away with some open wounds.

But in time, He heals each one of them.

I am thankful for the winter seasons in life, when I feel vulnerable to His pruning.  And I am thankful He takes the time to sanctify me.